Dear whoever made this illustration,
I have this sudden urge to hug you now. Like, hug and cry frantically. We must’ve been originated from the same planet and somehow we’re dropped here on earth.
I want to end blogging here for tonight and sleep early like any other responsible adult, but I know a proper blog will need at least a few paragraphs more.
Here I am, Sunday night 10.56 pm, listening to Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox albums alone in my empty apartment. Without my housemates here, I feel definitely lack of self-consciousness to make loud noises and stay up late in the living room.
Please believe me when I said I tried to do my thesis correction works.
Dr. D isn’t happy with me using Cool Biz campaign as “The Japanese Guideline”, so I looked up that Japanese Standards for thermal comfort & IAQ thing, even reading the love letter between ASHRAE and SHASE on 2013. With no luck on finding the treasures, I moved on to the Griffiths’ constant problem. Even after reading Rijal sensei’s and Sabri’s papers, I feel unsure how to justify my own analysis..
..are you sure you want to read on my rambling on thesis?
Honestly, how can I work properly when today is such a magical day?
I woke up to a call from ambu, cheerful as if nothing happened on our last call. Well, I guess nothing happened, except for screaming competition.. But I hadn’t even gather my scattered souls in the morning, let alone desires to fight.
I’m not complaining for the temporary truce, but I don’t like to be treated as if everything’s fine. Well, I’m FINE. Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. I can’t help feeling like being dismissed because my problems are such uncomfortable nuisance, so let’s just forget it.. Guess what? I don’t want to. There’s something unresolved here and I won’t stop until I can claim my rights.
Some of my closest friends seemed surprised with my resolution to fight for this specific guy I refer as my significant other since almost a year ago. Apparently they expected the end of the story when I told them my parents don’t like him.
To tell the truth, it surprised me that they’re surprised about it.
I wonder if all this time they see me as a girl who gives up easily.. or maybe just a goody good obedient girl.
If I can describe one thing about myself, I’m a perspective kind of girl. It fascinates me how the same thing could have different meaning and seen differently by people. When I write fiction, I like to play with point-of-view. In real life, I guess it made me more self conscious than normal, since I do care about how other people perceive myself. Maybe I don’t care care, just awfully aware.
So how can I keep my sanity all this time? I’ve been obliviating myself. I’m not a witch but I can do that to myself at least.. It’s like a bad habit I’m addicted to.
People say, Forgive and Forget. Forgiving people is not always easy.. so maybe sometimes I reversed it: Forget and Forgive. Maybe it’s not the right thing, since you have to be fully aware to forgive someone. Forget and Forgive, sounds like you’re drunk first before you pretend to forgive whoever it is.
I can’t do this forever.
This is my own life and all I ask is to be allowed to make my own decision. I wish you can wake up from any weird dream you’ve been drowning in. See that I’m really a human being, not some kind of property to be sold to the highest bidder.
You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me
Any face that you wanted me to be seen
—–You don’t know me by Ben Folds & Regina Spektor
Tell me about your fear. What scares you?
I’ve tried flying-foxes in loads of places now, lots of time.. But each time I get irrationally scared, legs trembling, hardly breathing normally, almost fainted. I can say that I’m traumatized since I got injured once from poor landing technique on that bloody flying-fox.. But anyone else can say it’s just a lame excuse.
Or maybe nobody will says that, since I heard it’s perfectly normal to fear heights. It’s just a basic human instinct. That leads me to another question though, does it mean acrophobia never exists?
The thing is, this is supposed to be my post-viva reflective thoughts. Not that anyone ask me to do that. I just need it, and quite desperately too, from the fear and uncomfortable feelings I got after the dreaded presentation.
My viva-voce day was supposed to be my independence day. Deep down, I’m quite confident that I’ll pass. I know with some extent of certainty that I will get master degree soon, regardless what grade at that. I wonder if it’s even a grade, or if it’s just as my friend said, only a matter of how long we’re given time to revise the thesis. But hearing my boyfriend congratulated me to ‘outclass’ everyone, I can’t help to feel a bit proud for myself. I got B1 (minor corrections for 1 month), while other friends I know—who recently went through the same exam—got B2 (major corrections for 3 months).
guess know I’m atelophobic. It’s not that I fear of not being perfect, just not being good enough.
Oh, please just stop being so dramatic, me. There’s no other explanations of these uncomfortable feelings in my chest.. Right, except for these facts:
- Q & A session was a disaster, because,
- I thought dr. D was the nice cop, but apparently I made her feel not nice by not understanding her questions,
- I’m quite sure I looked like a fool for trying to answer the questions I’m not sure about,
- Nobody can bring you down unless you let it. And I deliberately stoop down into an idiot clown on my own stage,
- I got bullied by the chairman, who was the same person who chairs my proposal defend. (Or maybe he didn’t bully me, I just feel super sensitive on my stage)
- Dr. D seriously made me puzzled by saying: your research was actually really good, before she left,
- I have a feeling they pitied me (maybe because of my lack of confidence?) and I HATE it, even if maybe they didn’t, and the grade was decided before they enter the room,
- I wanted to have some bonding time with my examiners but it seems they’re uninterested, or maybe I was just too awkward,
- Even after they congratulate me, someone asked: what’s your plans after this? and I’m tortured with the same old uncertainties.
Everyone act as if I’m supposed to be relieved. Believe me, I want to. I really want to be euphoric, and I don’t control this dark feelings corrupting my soul. I wonder if I only need to turn to someone and talk.
After all that, I’m lucky enough to get treated by wonderful people here, while my family are too far to reach.. my roommate/curhat mate, boyfriend (super juicy rib steak!), and people at lab: my supervisor and colleagues.
I thank God for their existence in my life. Still, I cannot undone realization that I’m just that girl who can never move on from stupid mistakes. The two words “what if” could haunt me so long.. which is why sometimes I’m just so indecisive. I need extra time to decide on stuffs, because I truly hate regrets.
If happiness is behind that one-way door, my deepest fear would be if I didn’t push hard enough, or if I didn’t try my best with all the strength I had. Until I bleed and dry. So I only have my mortal frail human body to blame.
Alright. I’m 2 years late to post this, but still, it’s zero draft project! Late is better than never, no?
I guess, not always. Ha-ha.
Other than zero draft, my resolution is to write weekly. And this week’s post is too personal, I put a password on it.. for now. You can PM me to get the password if you really really really want to ready it.
I honestly feel unfair to post it. But I can’t violate my own privacy. And all drafts will be published eventually, that’s the point of this project. I’m quite busy this week, with my viva voce schedule finally confirmed and my spv wanted me to finish another journal manuscript. *help!*
So I post this as a companion feed of the week. Hopefully wordpress will send me a better review next year. Enjoy!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,500 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.
Please kindly welcome our new title, since she’s a bit shy.
I think it’s time for this blog to grow up. It can’t keep hiding under the silly title forever. And the even more foolish tagline at that. (refer to the current tagline and Meet Mia page for the old identities)
So with the new title, I also launch the Zero Draft Project. I have too much unpublished drafts in my dashboard right now: 22 drafts, to be precise. I’ve decided that I want all of them to be published. Start from today.
Welcome Eunoia. Make yourself at home.. Everyone has been waiting for you. 🙂
I’ve almost forgotten how good it feels to talk incessantly with a girlfriend.
Not the ‘girlfriend’ like how guys said it, but the girlfriend whom we girls talk to, most of time. About things we don’t talk with boyfriends. Even if I did talk about it with them, I personally have to admit, girls talking session is so addictive. It’s always completely different experience. No offense, guys..
Maybe it’s not gender related, and more about personality. I don’t mean to be sexist, but still, I think girls have their own way to describe things, express feelings, in ways guys couldn’t.
So I’m really thankful to have smart and sensible girlfriends ❤
Last night I had a rendezvous with my roommate, at last, after all travelling and struggling episodes for the past weeks.
Talk about travelling. She’s just back from Osaka 5 days ago, and she has a resolution to reinvent her instagram account. It’s now themed. (Click here to read her blog and follow her instagram) I think it’s a great idea to make social media as a project, rather than pouring our whole life into it, like I do now.. lol.
I still like peeking on people’s stories on instagram. It kills boredom, temporarily. Although we’re wondering how does it feel to always have the urge to update your feed all the time.
Okay, I sound like that sad grumpy person who judges people from their socmed accounts.
But let’s be honest here.
These days, if you get to travel somewhere new that you haven’t been before, what’s the absolute thing that you think you MUST do when you get there?
Wow, there’s a nice attraction! Let’s take a video..
Then suddenly the time’s up and you have to go back home.
Have you ever counted the time you spent staring at something (that awesome building, beautiful scenery, your spouse’s face) through your phone/camera, and wondered if you do that a lot more than looking at those precious things first-hand with your very own eyes while you’re there?
If you ever done this kind of trip, let me ask something: did you truly enjoy it?
I don’t know about you, but I did this kind of trip all the time, and sometimes I feel like a zombie.
So if I do these things all the time, why bother? Writing all these and becoming hypocrite? I’m just sad. I pity myself from doing this and I want to stop. This habit made my experiences feel like fake plastic memories. I was there, but not quite there.
I’ve seen some Hanabi during my stay in Japan. I remember at first, I automatically tempted to record it. Then after a few minutes, I get rid that rectangular screen off of my face. The fireworks actually looked hundred times more beautiful.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to take pictures or videos. If you’re a photographer, and it’s your job to do so, then please do it. But if you’re not, and you still want to capture the moment, then please do it too.. I won’t stop you, I swear, just please remember what’s the point of your trip. Or if there’s any, really.
I know it all too well: that annoying feeling tugging at the back of your head.. you need something to bring home. Or you want some evidence that you were there. Or you need publication on your socmed. Or whatever other reason.. but does it really worth it to be the only thing you do there?
How I miss the old days when I knew exactly what I want to do if I travel somewhere. Let’s go to the beach to swim. Go to the mountain to build a camp, stay the night and cook wedang jahe, the thing I’ll drink only when I feel like about to freeze to death.
It’s kind of scary today, the first thing people do when some extraordinary thing happened is taking out their smartphones and snap! they go. I wonder if it’s okay to let ourselves becoming this kind of drone-society, when silly publication and internet fame are everything we worry about..
I heard that information is the new currency now in this age. But still, if you see something extraordinary, for example, someone gets hurt, don’t you think the first thing you should do is helping them? Or at least calling for help, if you can? I think we should re-learn to be humans inside the picture, not some heartless picture-taking robots.
Disclaimer: I’m not technophobic, just a concerned citizen of the 21st century world.