Post viva-voce ghost

Tell me about your fear. What scares you?

Heights.

I’ve tried flying-foxes in loads of places now, lots of time.. But each time I get irrationally scared, legs trembling, hardly breathing normally, almost fainted. I can say that I’m traumatized since I got injured once from poor landing technique on that bloody flying-fox.. But anyone else can say it’s just a lame excuse.

Or maybe nobody will says that, since I heard it’s perfectly normal to fear heights. It’s just a basic human instinct. That leads me to another question though, does it mean acrophobia never exists?

img_1544

that glass floor on tokyo tower under my feet..

The thing is, this is supposed to be my post-viva reflective thoughts. Not that anyone ask me to do that. I just need it, and quite desperately too, from the fear and uncomfortable feelings I got after the dreaded presentation.

My viva-voce day was supposed to be my independence day. Deep down, I’m quite confident that I’ll pass. I know with some extent of certainty that I will get master degree soon, regardless what grade at that. I wonder if it’s even a grade, or if it’s just as my friend said, only a matter of how long we’re given time to revise the thesis. But hearing my boyfriend congratulated me to ‘outclass’ everyone, I can’t help to feel a bit proud for myself. I got B1 (minor corrections for 1 month), while other friends I know—who recently went through the same exam—got B2 (major corrections for 3 months).

I guess know I’m atelophobic. It’s not that I fear of not being perfect, just not being good enough. 

Oh, please just stop being so dramatic, me. There’s no other explanations of these uncomfortable feelings in my chest.. Right, except for these facts:

  • Q & A session was a disaster, because,
  • I thought dr. D was the nice cop, but apparently I made her feel not nice by not understanding her questions,
  • I’m quite sure I looked like a fool for trying to answer the questions I’m not sure about,
  • Nobody can bring you down unless you let it. And I deliberately stoop down into an idiot clown on my own stage,
  • I got bullied by the chairman, who was the same person who chairs my proposal defend. (Or maybe he didn’t bully me, I just feel super sensitive on my stage)
  • Dr. D seriously made me puzzled by saying: your research was actually really good, before she left,
  • I have a feeling they pitied me (maybe because of my lack of confidence?) and I HATE it, even if maybe they didn’t, and the grade was decided before they enter the room,
  • I wanted to have some bonding time with my examiners but it seems they’re uninterested, or maybe I was just too awkward,
  • Even after they congratulate me, someone asked: what’s your plans after this? and I’m tortured with the same old uncertainties.

Everyone act as if I’m supposed to be relieved. Believe me, I want to. I really want to be euphoric, and I don’t control this dark feelings corrupting my soul. I wonder if I only need to turn to someone and talk.

After all that, I’m lucky enough to get treated by wonderful people here, while my family are too far to reach.. my roommate/curhat mate, boyfriend (super juicy rib steak!), and people at lab: my supervisor and colleagues.

I thank God for their existence in my life. Still, I cannot undone realization that I’m just that girl who can never move on from stupid mistakes. The two words “what if” could haunt me so long.. which is why sometimes I’m just so indecisive. I need extra time to decide on stuffs, because I truly hate regrets.

If happiness is behind that one-way door, my deepest fear would be if I didn’t push hard enough, or if I didn’t try my best with all the strength I had. Until I bleed and dry. So I only have my mortal frail human body to blame.

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