Because if I found it, I might be different.
I wouldn’t look back. I’d stop looking back or think about those intersections in the past, countless possibilities that could happened in numerous parallel dimensions. Sometimes I thought I was Jared Leto in Mr. Nobody..
I wouldn’t think too much about how people perceive my decisions or actions.
I wouldn’t wait too long for something I know I should do, things like important-but-dreaded-tasks.
I wouldn’t keep things I should’ve forget ages ago in mind. I’d delete them permanently, not even store them in recycle bin. It’s overloaded already.
Instead, I wouldn’t forget trivial but vital things easily.
I would write things I missed from a deceased bestfriend, on his birthday, which was a day ago, instead of blaming myself for something irrelevant.
I would thank him for all the things he did. Write something memorable or whatnot. Wishing him a better life on the other side.
I wouldn’t cry. I’d smile. I’d ask forgiveness for all the wrong I did to him. I’d call a truce on my own ego, eventhough there were many things I wish I could say before his last breath. I’d stop wishing for impossible things, except for miracles.
I wouldn’t stop trying to write my very own scenario of life. I’m merely an amateur scriptwriter, not even a chief editor, let alone The Director. It’s still a draft, an extremely rough one, but I’ll revise it everyday.
I’d catch it, you’ll see. That shiny thingy. Just wait. Please, for the sake of my own peace of mind, please wait a little more.