That’s what I deserve right now. Not that I did something bad—at least not to anyone but myself. Okay, the thing is: this is not what I planned to write as a grand-coming-back-after-a-long-hiatus post. Not even close, but I’ve decided about seconds ago that I don’t care. I am writing out what I really feel right now, what I really think, to describe who I really am.
I’ve just read my old blog on blogger—or some of you called it blogspot. It’s been years since the last time I wrote there, and I decided to forget it and erase any little trace to it so that no one knows me would ever find that Trash Bag again. Yeah, I called it a trash bag, simply because it is. I threw tantrums and whatever things people wont hear me saying in a real world. It felt strange when I read all those old posts. Especially that lousy video I made.. I have all the laugh for myself. I cant believe I’m actually astonished of my own writing! Seriously. I know it was me who wrote all that trashy posts, but I feel weird. A part of me didnt want to admit it–because it were all way too cheesy! I need to remind myself several times that they were all written about 4 years ago.
And then, between all that astonishment and cheesy feelings, deep down I feel so refreshed. I can read how honest I was, everything I wrote back then caught the moment perfectly and I was so all-out, so spontaneous, so free. I feel all the difference with my recent posts—how I wrote them carefully and sometimes I wrote them with so much, NO, too much thinking. And apparently they were never really posted. Well some of my recent writings were posted spontaneously too, but they’re only a few. How did I change? What was I thinking? How could I get to this place where I’m standing right now, from that place where I wrote those funny and spontaneous words? It’s a hard slap on my face.
I realize now how I really missed writing that way. Well how couldn’t I? I’ve been living my life writing diaries. Manually, on a real book with real paper on its pages which I could crumple or tear whenever I’m in over-emotional state. I have 5 of those books, full of my own handwriting. Or maybe six. I’m not sure because my last diary is a refill scrapbook.. Whatever it is, I know I can boast all I want but I’ve never write again since I’m in college. And I feel something wrong when I stop writing.
So I decide I’ll be more honest. I really miss those feelings, athough I know a blog is not technically a diary. I used to write diary for privacy, and I’m fully aware that blog is something people can read about. But if I think too much I’m going to lose myself slowly. . Besides I believe that you guys, lovely people who read my blog, are pretty much wise to judge things from my writings. 🙂
One more thing, I feel really bad to stick that cool badge saying ‘one post a week‘ because sadly, it has been a hoax—thanks to my infinty laziness. But I’ll do my best to fix that.. Just wait for me. OH, and in case you’re somehow curious about my old blog.. I wont write any direct link to it, but I’m telling you this:
How I ended up reading my old blog is actually because i’ve read another blog on blogger, and I need to login to leave a comment. It’s about Feltson. (if you read my previous entry you’ll know that I’m a dramione shipper :p) If you happen to be a Dramione or Feltson shipper too, I really recommend you to read this; but if you’re not, I’ll still recommend it, just in case you wanna know or kepo.. Click here to read it, and eventually you’ll find the link to my account on blogger at the end of the page. I left a comment under an account named miamiamiya. And once again I think I should warn you about how cheesy those writings were, they were mostly in Indonesian, and I used the terms “gw & lo” eventhough I’m nowhere related to Batavian. It’s extremely lame. Enough said. Howgh!